how did i find myself

in this place?

i am plagued by insecurities, whether real or imagined, at every dance class i play. i am getting kicked out of my apartment for having CATS!!!, moving to a neighborhood i don't want to live in and is not esp. safe, for j. in particular. spending money for fucking "broker's fees" which is some serious new york bullshit. she's going to leave me as soon as school is over and then i can stay here in this cruel demoralizing place and continue to torture myself in the name of "music". FUCK!! i'd trade it all to be a professional cyclist. a professional anything. then i could just pack my bags, say "fuck you new york" and get on with it. but as it is this is all i have. i want out. of everything.