31 July 2007

First Falter

I faltered a bit today. Experienced the first twinge of feeling sorry for myself. I'd like to say I "blame" Alvin Ailey, but I know I've only myself to blame.

Today was a physically challenging day for me, 4 classes spanning 9AM to 6PM, 3 Graham classes in a row. No one, including my teachers, knew what happened to me, none of them seemed to particularly care. None of the other musicians had any idea either. The vibe there is so "professional" that it is kind of cold, especially compared to BAE.

No one had any kind of awareness that if I had a "normal" job I sure as hell wouldn't have been at work today (paid day off, what?). I try so hard to do my personal best in class and really give something to the students and today that involved putting myself through physical discomfort for an extended period of time. The physical component of my day made the emotional end more difficult for me to deal with.

After getting home and having some time to reflect on my day, I put into words a very concrete realization that I have got to be very careful about: No one owes me anything. Not the faculty and staff at Alvin Ailey, not Jorge or any of my other friends, not my family, not Rachel, not anyone. I am eternally grateful for all the love and support I have received during this time, but none of it was "owed" me in the slightest.

I still do believe, however, if there is any justice here that C.'s insurance company should/will pay my medical bills and my bicycle and helmet should be replaced at his expense, along with handling the expense of my monthly MetroCard. And I am taking steps to see that that does in fact happen.

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